


Doll Face

by orphan_account



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bad shits happening, Dad Rossi, Don’t Like Don’t Read, F/M, Good shit happens too, Hotch Whump, Hotch needs a hug, Hotch needs some love, Hotch’s mom loves languages, Implied Child Abuse, I’m adding tags as I go, M/M, Mom JJ, No Jack Hotchner, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Sick Aaron Hotchner, this is an angsty Hotch fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:27:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24583033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Aaron Hotchner was a private man, everyone knew that. They all knew he didn’t share his childhood, hobbies, or even likes. So nobody knew anything about him except what they could speculate, but then again, neither did he.(Abandoned)
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & BAU Team, Past Haley Hotchner/Aaron Hotchner
Comments: 34
Kudos: 92





	1. We’ve got a Case

Hotch felt himself drift in and out of consciousness. He wondered if he was just lost in thought or if he was actually sleeping. It got to the point to where it was literal torture. A part of him wished someone would just put him out of his misery and give him a chemically induced coma. Or maybe they could stick him in ice like Captain America. Either way, he just wanted to sleep. Almost as if God hated him, Hotch heard his phone ring. It took all his self control to not break the damn thing, Hotch let out a long suffered sigh. With much motivation, Hotch picked it up and answered it.

”Hotchner?” He almost winced at how tired he sounded. But considering they just got back from a case 6 hours ago it was understandable.

”Hey Hotch, we’ve got a case.” JJ was a very constant voice in his life and sometimes he wished she’d deliver good new for once. If he wanted that maybe he should of picked a different profession... like an actor or something.

”I’ll be there in 10.” Despite what he said there were no promises. He didn’t wait for JJ to say something back and just hung up. Most would of found it rude... but it wasn’t a social call. With a groan, Hotch made his way to the bathroom. He felt himself blush when he realized he was still in his work suit. It was a good thing no one else was here or he would of died from embarrassment. Hotch quickly undressed and started the shower. He tried to avoid looking at his body, unlike most people he didn’t know everything about his body. But what he did notice was the fact that he was getting skinner. He wasn’t much of an eater so it wasn’t a surprise. Originally he put on some muscle so people would stop saying how feminine he looked or how doll like. He inherited that from his mama, they both had willowy frames, dark eyes, and dark hair. It was a little odd... he looked like her so much.

Hotch jumped into the shower and finished as fast as he got in. After brushing his teeth and a quick comb and gel to his hair. Hotch began to get dressed. Everyone knew how neat and proper he liked to dress. He didn’t like a single hair or fabric out of place. Sometimes when his clothes were filthy he had to stop himself from having a meltdown... but of course nobody knew that. And he hoped it stayed that way. Hotch then went to his kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Coffee was how he functioned. Without it he might actually pass out. He was never going to admit this but he was sure his coffee intake was worse than Reid’s. He never had sugary coffee though, always black. In record time, Hotch took his coffee and brief case out the door and down to his car.

He swung the car door open and got in swiftly. Hotch started up the car and started to make his way to the BAU. It was almost scary at how driving to the BAU had become second nature. Sometimes on off days he found himself driving there or even getting ready for work which was embarrassing. Hotch would never say this out loud but he saw the team as a family. At least he was pretty sure that’s what a family was supposed to be like. Hotch wasn’t too sure on those types of feelings but according to his team he didn’t have any feelings. Sometimes when they call him a robot he can’t help but feel a little... sad. He’d like to show emotion, he just didn’t really know how. He didn’t really understand emotions all too well anyways. Dave always seemed to understand him which made him happy but sometimes a little annoyed. Dave could always tell what he was feeling, even if he didn’t want him to know. Hotch saw the building come into view and a little smile played on his lips.

_”This place is my home.”_

_——————————_

JJ waited patiently in the conference room. She stood next to the screen she had already set up, the files were set down, everything was there. Now all she needed was the team. JJ couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. They had just got back from a case and now they had another one. But then again... that was the job. This case was different than the others... this one made her feel sick. As soon as Detective Scott Hanson contacted her and she saw the files she knew she needed to take this one. It was a gruesome case, thankfully no one died but what had happened was worse than dying. JJ tried to detach or keep her emotions in check but she just... couldn’t. She mourned for these people and after this case she was going to march up to Strauss’s office and demand an uninterrupted break. She could send other teams, they weren’t the only ones who worked in this department!

JJ’s thoughts broke at Hotch’s arrival. It wasn’t surprising that he was here first. Hotch was always the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. That is if she wasn’t working late like she was tonight. But usually it’s what he does. She always worried over the man. She had noticed he was getting thinner and bags were starting to form under his eyes. Hotch was emotionally closed off from everyone except Rossi. Though Rossi always seemed to be able to tell. Sometimes she wished he’d voice what he saw because Hotch was a very guarded man. He refused to speak up when he was sick or hungry or just tired. He always worked so hard and carried all this responsibility he doesn’t have to carry alone. They all had an agreement to never profile each other but everyone knew that rule was ignored. Only when someone’s inter profile was voiced the person would repeat that rule. Though it didn’t stop anyone from thinking of it. But nobody could get anything solid on Hotch. The man was like Fort Knox.

Everyone else started to funnel in. JJ noticed how Reid’s shirt was sloppily buttoned, Emily’s hair was obviously bed head but somehow she still did her make up perfectly, Morgan almost missed the door on the way in, she was sure Rossi had wine in that coffee mug, and Hotch might of almost fallen asleep in his chair. Guilt rose but she knew they would find this case important.

”JJ, what do we got?” It was kinda adorable at how sleepy Hotch sounded. But of course she kept that to herself.

”In Richmond, Virginia boys have been abducted for a month and returned for 22 years.” She showed them the screen of different boys. 

”22 years? That’s a long time. Why haven’t they called us in sooner.” Hotch asked, the others murmured in agreement.

”Nobodies been able to catch the Unsub but the newest Detective, Scott Hanson, requested our help.”

”Smart man.” Morgan muttered, JJ decided to continued.

”There’s been evidence of sexual assault and physical abuse. All boys range from ages 7 to 15.”

”7 to 15? That’s a big age range.” Spence commented. “That means he’s not picky.”

”Most if the boys seem to be in the range of 7 to 9 so maybe he likes them younger.” Rossi added.

”Hey guys, the boys, they all have similar features.” Emily spoke up.

”You’re right... all the boys have dark hair and dark eyes.” Spence muttered as the others looked at the photos.

”Yeah... and they’ve all got a doll-like look.” Morgan said while staring at the photos. JJ thought it would be a good time to say the rest.

”10 year old Robert Mavis was abducted one week ago and Charlie Lewis was left in front of hospital 8 hours before Robert Mavis was abducted.”

”The hospital? Might be a sign of remorse.” Spence said but Hotch disagreed:

”No... he wants them alive. He wants them to remember what he did to them.” Hotch had this strange look in his eye as he stared at the photos. It was almost as if he was mesmerized by them.

”Wheels up in 30.” Hotch said as he got up. Everyone else started to follow him out the door. JJ couldn’t help but worry, she felt like something was... off with Hotch after looking at those photos. She wanted to brush it off as it being an awful case but she knew it was so much more than that.

——————————

Hotch felt... odd, there was this feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t identify. Even if he wasn’t good with emotions he always had some inkling as to what he was feeling but this time it was different. After looking at those photos he felt a dull ache in his head. Maybe he was just tired... at least that what he wanted to believe. It wasn’t important anyways, they had a case to solve. Hotch picked up his go bag and made his way to the plane. Earlier Reid had tried to argue why they weren’t driving. Driving was just too long and Hotch might fall asleep anyways. Of course he didn’t say that last bit. 

Hotch stood in his usual place as soon as he boarded. Quietly watching everyone come in. They were chatting silently with small smiles and laughs. Hotch always wished he could join in but his social skills were awful. People usually thought he was angry or just didn’t like anyone. Hotch had tried when he was younger but his glare would always scare people away. His mama always said to be soft and gentle but he was never able to do that so at some point he gave up. Which resulted with him getting the title: Most likely to Murder Someone, in the yearbook. If only they could see him now.

”This guy is most likely in his late 50’s to early 60’s.” Morgan voice brought him back. Had they started? When did they start? Hotch felt Dave’s eyes on him, well shit.

”And why is that?” Prentiss asked.

”Well he’s been at this for 22 years. I don’t think he’d be in his 30’s to 40’s. Unless he started as a kid which is unlikely.”

”I mean him being a kid would make him a little more trustworthy.” 

“Yeah, but where’s a kid gonna keep another kid for a month?”

”I don’t know, in a cave? I mean I was able to hide my boyfriends for long periods of time.”

”Prentiss your mom was never home.” Time to intervene before the plane became a crime scene.

”Prentiss. Morgan.” Hotch fixed them a glare and they both shut up immediately. On the inside he was laughing. He even heard Reid snicker. He was surrounded by children.

”Though, I believe Morgan might be right.”

”Ha!” Morgan laughed triumphantly.

”How do you know?” Prentiss demanded.

”... instinct.” The plane went so quiet Hotch could swear he heard crickets despite them being in the air.

”Well can’t argue with that.” Prentiss settled with his answer. He honestly didn’t know why.

”What do you mean ‘can’t argue with that’?” Dave looked at her with confusion.

”Haven’t you every seen an episode of avatar?”

”You mean the movie.” Poor Reid.

”Shut your filthy mouth.” Prentiss slowly turned her head and glared at Reid who just looked away nervously. Hotch will repeat: he was surrounded by children.


	2. Awkward Talks and Zoning Out

As soon as the team touched the ground everyone dispersed towards their separate tasks. Emily and him went on a drive to visit the Lewis’s and Sterling’s. Hotch and Rossi went to interview doctors at the hospital. Garcia was investigating security footage back at the BAU. Reid and JJ left for the police department to make sure the media stayed away and to work on the geological profile. In short, they had a lot to do but it was no different than any other case. Derek and Emily started their usual small talk since neither of them liked awkward silence.

"Can you believe Reid mentioned that awful movie?" Emily said in exasperation, Derek chuckled.

"I've never seen the animation so-"

"WHAT!!!???" Her yell startled him and almost made in jerk the wheel which would lead them into the wrong lane.

"Emily!” He scolded "Jesus, we could of crashed!" Emily didn't seem to care about the fact that they almost died. Maybe it was because they almost died everyday... Which was a little unsettling.

"Ok, that's it. Me, you, and Reid are going to watch Avatar as soon as we finish this case." This definitely wasn't a suggestion. Derek could only roll his eyes in amusement and annoyance.

"Whatever you say, Princess Prentiss."

"Damn straight." Derek laughed at that, she was one of the most interesting yet weirdest people he had ever met. And that's saying something considering they hunt Unsubs with weird fetishes everyday. Derek and Emily continued their friendly chatter. It made time go by quickly because before they knew it the Sterling’s House was coming into view. Derek has always dreaded these types of talks. It was hard, the way the parents looked, the crying, the anger, and the walking on eggshells. He honestly wished Hotch had sent JJ instead. She could handle this... but then again he was the one who usually did cognitive interviews. And he hated them with a passion. They helped but it was awful to witness and listen to. With a sigh, Derek shut the car door and followed Emily to the porch. 

”You ready?” She asked with thinly veiled dread.

”As I’ll ever be.” He tried to keep the groan out of his voice. Derek calmed himself, it wouldn’t help the parents or the child if he was angry or nervous. Even if this case was hitting like a bajillion nerves. Emily pushed the door bell and they waited quietly, the only sounds they could hear was the soft footsteps on the other side of the door. Most likely the wife... Derek was greeted by a small woman with dark hair and blue eyes.

”Yes?” She said in a timid voice.

”Hello Ma’am, I’m SSA Emily Prentiss and this is my partner SSA Derek Morgan. Can we come in?” She was about to answer till the husband came up from behind. He looked irritated.

”What for?” He demanded, Derek steeled himself.

”We wish to ask you about your son, Thomas? And the night he was kidnapped?” Derek kept his voice kind and gentle. The husband only looked angrier.

”We already went over all this with the police! Haven’t we been through enough?” His voice broke a little at the end.

”Please, Sir, we just want to prevent this from happening to other boys and-“

”There’s another one, isn’t there?” The wife intervened.

”Yes Ma’am and we need your help to find him. Is there anything you can remember from that night?” Derek asked while keeping a wary eye on the husband, who looked like he was going to explode.

”Diana-!”

”Mark! We’re doing this.”

”Why?!”

”Because there’s another little boy! Just like our Thomas!! Whose all scared and alone, who just want to go home to his parents!!” She inhaled sharply, face a little red. Mark looked at a loss of words, his eyes teary. He just nodded.

”Uh... no I don’t remember much..”

”How about we start from the beginning.” He could see a small tear slip down Diana’s face. 

”How about we go sit down-“ Emily started but Diana shook her head.

”Honey, you don’t have to do this.”

”Yes, I do Mark.” She said between harsh breaths.

”Take your time Ma’am.” Derek said with sympathy. He truly hated what these Unsubs did to families. It was horrible and devastating.

” I-I remember getting up in the morning and going to Thomas’s room. Mark was still in bed because it was his day off an-and we were going to go to the park. Oh, Thomas was so excited!” She broke into sobs at the end. Mark went and held her, both of them sobbing. Derek felt his heartstrings pull, this was one of the worst parts of the job. “Oh, sorry.”

“No, it’s alright ma’am. Take all the time you need.” Emily soothed. Diana let out a few harsh sobs.

”When I got to Thomas’s room he wasn’t there and his bed was perfectly made whi-which was odd.” She said between hiccups.

”Why was that odd?”

“Our son doesn’t do that unless we ask him to.” Mark said, he eyes were glassy and a few small tears rolled down his cheeks. This only fueled Derek’s anger... he couldn’t wait to catch this sick son of a bitch.

”Anything else?” The couple looked at each other. As if to silently ask ‘is there?’

”No I’m sorry I don’t-.” Mark started but his wife cut him off. She had a horrified look on her face.

”O-oh god... in the middle of the night I heard singing. I thought I was dreaming- Oh god! I could of saved my baby.” She sobbed, tears spilling down her cheeks.

”Ma’am there’s nothing you could of done. He would of probably killed you.” Derek gave a professional answer but he was truly sincere. It’s probably what would of happened if she he had intervened.

”What was he singing?”

”Uhm... I-I don’t know... I can’t really remember.” She said mournfully.

“If you don’t mind... we’d like to talk to your son.” Awkward.   
  
“Thomas? He hasn’t said anything since....” Mark trailed off. It was something that didn’t need to be said. “Why do you have to talk to him anyways?” He could hear the anger in Mark’s voice. It was probably because he didn’t want his son to relive the pain and horror again. Derek understood, if he had a child and a stranger wanted to make that child recount something horrific he’d probably be angry too.”

”Sir, I understand but we have to try.” Mark was about to argue but with one look from his wife, he just closed his mouth and nodded. The couple left for the kitchen... probably for a glass of water or alcohol. Derek made eye contact with Emily with a silent ‘let’s go’ exchanged between them. Both of them started up the stairs slowly, indulging in each creak. The both of them dreaded these types of talks, but if it helped find Robert Mavis it was worth it. It was so quiet Derek could feel his heart beating in his ears. Maybe it’s because he was nervous.

When they got to the top, Derek could see three doors. One in front of them and two to the left of them. The farthest one was obviously not a child’s bedroom but the one closest had a child made sign that said ‘Thomas’ with dinosaur and Star Wars stickers. It was slightly cracked open. Him and Emily took a breath in unison and prepared themselves for what they were about to witness. Emily took a step forward and gave a light knock on the door. Signaling Thomas they were coming in. Slowly she pushed the door open to reveal a small child sitting in the bed. Something about him was off... it was almost like he was catatonic. His eyes devoid of all emotion and trained on the wall in front of him. It was a little creepy, like a horror movie almost. The boy was thin and had dark bags underneath his eyes. 

”Hey Thomas, I’m Emily Prentiss and this is my friend Derek Morgan. If it’s okay we would like to talk to you.” No answer, Thomas continued to stare. It was almost as if he was dead to the world. 

”Hey Thomas,” Derek started “When I was a little older than you I went through something similar... the man who hurt me continued to hurt others like me after I had left. If I had known-“ Thomas’s head turned slowly to them. He eyes were as empty as the void. The more Derek started at them the more it felt like this boy could see his very soul.

”I can’t.” He whispered.

”Can’t What?” Emily kneeled in front of him.

”I can’t tell you...”

”And why is that Thomas?” Derek copied Emily’s stance in hopes of making the boy feel safe.

”He said if I ever told... he would come back.” Fear consumed his eyes. Derek never thought he could see such raw fear in a child’s eyes.

”Thomas it’s okay, he can’t-“

”No, no, no.” He chanted, his breath hitched and his eyes filled with utter terror. “Please I don’t want to go to the room with the stars!! Please don’t make me!! I wanna go home!! Please!!!” Thomas was hysterical now. Screaming and shouting, Derek and Emily tried to calm him but he wouldn’t stop. Derek could hear Thomas’s parents running up the stairs. They ran into the room with tears in their eyes.

”Please leave!” Diana cried as she went to comfort her child. Derek and Emily backed away.

”We’re done answering questions.” Mark said angrily and then he went to join his wife and child. He and Emily awkwardly left the room. They immediately left the house, making sure they wasted no time in getting out of there. As soon as Derek shut the door Emily gave a huge sigh.

”Ugh.. that was awful.” Derek agreed, he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty.

“Yeah but at least we got some information. Did you hear what he said? ‘Room with the stars’” Derek thought for a bit “wonder what it means...”

“Yeah, at least it wasn’t a total lost.”

”Well we’ve got the Lewis’s next.” Emily’s only response was a groan.

  
  


——————————

Dave and Aaron sat silently in the car. They were on there way to the hospital which the children had frequently been dropped off at. The silence was getting a little uncomfortable so Dave decided to break it.

”So, hows it feel to be back home?”

”Ok, I guess.” Ok... that wasn’t the reply he’d expect.

”You going to visit your mom? I know she’d like that.”

”Maybe.” It was like talking to a teenager who wasn’t really in the conversation. All his replies were passive or uncertain. Dave stole a glance at Aaron who was looking over the case file. He felt his parental instincts flare up. He had to admit when he first found himself being fatherly towards Aaron he was horrified. He didn’t even know he had that side to him. Something about Aaron made him want to protect him. He’d never tell Aaron this but he was sort of like a child. When Dave has first met Aaron all he saw was a child who was forced to grow up to fast and didn’t know how to be a child in the first place. Now, Aaron held strong shields and a tight mask. Making it impossible for anyone to get in. But Dave had this odd ability of being able to skip past those defenses and the child had remained the same. Dave also noticed how thin Aaron had gotten. They all had a hard time getting Aaron to eat. He swore Aaron looked a little queasy after Garcia stuffed him with food the last time. Which must mean Aaron isn’t used to how much people usually eat. He generally drank coffee so maybe liquids were easier? But he needed solid too.

”-ave. Dave?” Aaron’s voice brought him from his thoughts. Dave looked at him and all he saw was a child... Aaron just never find out about how he sees him.

”Yes?”

”You were zoning out there for a bit. Everything ok?” Aaron always had such a caring natural. Inter profiling be damned.

”Yeah. Just lost in thought.” Thankfully, Aaron accepted that answer. Not asking what he was thinking about.

”Are these belt marks?” Aaron asked, Dave looked over to see a picture of one of the children. Angry, red lines crisscrossed on their backs.

”Yeah, I think they are.” Aaron went silent again and continued to leaf through the file. 

”Are you ok?” Dave wanted to slap himself for saying that out loud.

”Hmm? Yeah, why?” He could feel the famous Hotchner glare on him. Aaron didn’t like people worrying about him. He felt like they thought he was incompetent or something.

”I was just wondering.” Great excuse. But he couldn’t say ‘oh I just noticed you’re almost as skinny as Reid now’. 

”I’m fine Dave.” He could hear the irritation in his voice. Dave internally sighed and decided to leave it.

——————————

Hotch had to keep himself from groaning. It felt like he was smashing his head into a wall nonstop. It was even getting a little difficult to see and he could feel cold sweats running down his back. The more he looked at the file the more ill he felt. He wasn’t sure as to why he felt ill from the file. He had seen worse. Hotch kept his body rigid in hopes of stopping the shivers and stopping himself from pitching forward. He felt dizzy, almost as if were sick. But he didn’t have time for that... the case was more important. It didn’t help that Dave had noticed something. Dave was always able to read him like an open book. No matter how many shields and masks he put up Dave would always find a way to slip through. It was a little irritating, for the most part Hotch knew he didn’t need to be coddled. He wasn’t a child, he’s 37 for god sakes! Hotch bit back a wince as his headache flared. He was thankful for the silence because he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to talk right now. But unfortunately, god had other plans.

Hotch saw the hospital come into view and it took all his energy to not flinch. He always hated hospitals, why did he even come here? Oh right he likes to torture himself. But seriously, he could of sent Reid or something. He and Dave got out of the car and headed in. He braced himself, but as soon as he walked in he almost ran back. He was hit with the hospital smells, the sounds of machines, the white floors, and the white coats running around. For some reason this hospital affected him more than most. There was something nagging in his brain but it was too far away for him to reach. He followed Dave, glare and frown set. He couldn’t look weak in front of people. Being weak was unacceptable. Hotchner men aren’t wea-

“Hello Dr. Reese, I’m SSA David Rossi and this is SSA Aaron Hotchner.” Dave shook his hand and He copied. The Doctor was an old man. His hair almost white, wrinkles carved into his skin, and he had the brightest blue eyes.

“Aaron Hotchner,” Dr. Reese said with recognition and the moment he heard the doctors voice he felt... odd “It’s good to see you again, I’m glad you’re well.” Dave all but looked at him. Did he know this man?

”I’m sorry Doctor I don’t believe we’ve met...”

”Oh we have, countless times but I’m not surprised you don’t remember.” What did that mean. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Dave must of noticed his discomfort because he moved the conversation along.

”Dr. Reese we’re here to ask about the boys who were left in front of the hospital.” The mans cheery expression turned grim. It was almost as if his eyes darkened which sent shivers up Hotch’s spine.

”Oh those poor boys,” he said darkly “They were injured badly.”

”What type of injuries?”

”Several dozen bruises, belt marks, cuts, and indicators of sexual abuse.” The Doctor looked furious as he recited the list of injuries. For some reason Hotch felt... scared. It was a feeling he never felt often and yet it felt familiar. It was like greeting an old friend.

”Was there tearing?” He was thankful Dave was asking the questions.

”No, whoever did it prepared them properly and he must of used a condom because there were no traces of semen.” Dr. Reese schooled himself to a professional manner. It didn’t really calm Hotch’s nerves though. It was like every nerve in his body was lit on fire. It made him feel sick.

”Did anyone happen to see anyone drop the boys off?” The Doctor shook his head.

”No, I’m sorry.” How does anyone not see anything. Hotch wanted to ask but nothing came out. The man plastered a smile to his face.

”Will that be all?” Dave eyed him suspiciously but nodded.

”Yes, thank you doctor.” Hotch followed Dave to the door. Eager to leave, he almost ran out but Dave couldn’t know so he kept his neutral expression and show walk. The hospital made his skin crawl and his headache got worse. Almost to the point to where it was a little hard to hear but it was manageable.

”Aaron.”

”Dave.” He could see the suspicion in Dave’s eyes and the million questions flying through them. To be honest, he had the same questions. Who was that man? How did he know me? I don’t really recall being in a hospital? Maybe once but not often. Dave didn’t say anything afterwards. He must of noticed Hotch was just as confused as he was. Hotch internally let out a breath of relief. He didn’t like being questioned or profiled which was ironic because all his friends were profilers. He and Dave piled into the car. He hardly payed attention as Dave drove, he could tell he was thinking. Probably about him which left him uneasy. What if he thought him unfit to do his job? Or what if he thought He was connected? Would he call Strauss? A million new questions went through his head. The answers were foggy and rationally he knew Dave wouldn’t do that unless he was really ill or if he really was connected. It was protocol, but he didn’t want a call from Strauss. Strauss was always intervening and even when he first joined he found her annoying. Hotch gripped the file tighter. His thoughts were everywhere and irrational as of late... maybe he wasn’t fit to do the job... but he didn’t like being a prosecutor. His thoughts broke when he realized they were at the Police Department.   
Hotch got out rather stiffly. His joints ached a little bit it wasn’t bad. Maybe he just sat down for too long. He and Dave entered to find a near empty department. There were a couple people here and there but not much. Hotch didn’t really mind, he didn’t like people that much anyways. He never made real connections till the team and... Anyways, Hotch saw JJ walk up to them. She had a small smile on her face per usual.

”JJ, how’d it go with the media?” Hotch asked, hoping this wouldn’t become a media circus.

”Actually Detective Hanson hasn’t shared any details with them yet. All they know is that the boys were abducted and returned.” Hotch felt himself relax. He was glad that turned out better than he had hoped.

”Thats good.”

”Where’s the kid?” JJ lead them to a conference room in the back. They found Reid practically bouncing back and forth from the map on the board with a bajillion circles and case files. Hotch also saw all the victims pictures up on another board... at least he thought that was all of them. He knew there were 264 victims but the board only seemed to have 100. Ah, there was the answer to his question. There were about a hundred other photos on the table. He didn’t know why but ever since he saw the photos of the boys he couldn’t stop staring at them. Everyone else had felt angry but all he felt was... fear.

”Hey Kid, whatcha got.” Dave cut in. Reid looked up sharply. His muttering stopped abruptly.

”I’ve been circling all the victims houses and there doesn’t seem to be a pattern. They’re all over the place.”

”So that must mean he works in home electricity or security. Maybe anything to do with maintenance?” Hotch offered, trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice.

”He most likely put up cameras. I doubt he stalks them, that would take too much time.” Dave added. It made since, the Unsub would put up cameras and that way he could watch many different people at the same time. He’d know their routines and could plan different ways to get in.

”We found out from the hospital that the boys had multiple cuts, bruises, and belt marks. No one saw anything.” Hotch continued.

”Maybe Garcia has something.” JJ whipped out her phone and dialed the number.

”Yes my lovelies?” Her cheery voice always made Hotch want to smile... that is if he knew how. It was always difficult for him to change his facial expression from his glare.

”Garcia have you found anything on the security tapes?”

”There’s a small glimpse of what looks like a red pick up truck,” Hotch felt his head throb. “But there isn’t much.”

”Ok, thank you Garcia.”

”Anytime my liege.” And with that she hung up.

”Are Morgan and Prentiss still at the Sterling’s House?” 

“No, they’re on there way to the Lewis’s.” JJ answered.

”You know what’s interesting, Thomas Sterling talked about a room with stars. He said ‘Please don’t make me go to the room with the stars.’ I’m wondering if it’s a child’s room...” Hotch felt disgusted, a child’s room? “Because children sometimes have those glow in the dark Star stickers on their ceilings.”

”So you think this Unsub keeps them in a child’s room.” Dave recapped, Reid turned back to the map.

”Yes, which might mean he has a child of his own.” A child of his own? If the man was in his 50’s to 60’s that would mean the child is an adult.

”Do you think this child might of been the first victim?” Dave asked.

”I don’t see why not. In fact that could be why he started the abductions 22 years ago. Maybe his child passed away or got taken away from him. Maybe he’s trying to refill what he once had.” Hotch could see the cogs turning in Reid’s head.

”By abducting children who look like his child. So he must of had a son....” Reid started to mutter to himself while leading through files. 

”Have Garcia check for any child deaths 22 years ago. Or any children being removed from homes. Could be from divorce or child services.” Hotch ordered. He was really starting to feel ill...

—————————

Emily watched as they pulled up to the Lewis’s house. It was a classic middle class house. She noticed how the grass was perfectly cut and the porch was well maintained. She had always noticed the little things which is why she became a profiler. Her and Derek got out of the car and headed to the door. She breathed deeply and cooled herself. She couldn’t get emotional. Gently, she rung the door bell. A man answered the door, he was very tall. With brown hair and brown eyes. Despite his height he looked meek but see also noticed and lady clinging onto him. She was as tall as Emily and happened to look a lot like her. She had dark hair and dark eyes. The only thing she lacked was the haunted eyes Emily had acquired over the years.

”How may I help you?” The man asked.

”Hello sir, I’m SSA Emily Prentiss and this is my partner SSA Derek Morgan. And we would like to ask you about your son, Charlie?”

”I’m Mike Lewis and this is my wife Rosalie. Please, come inside.” The shop followed the couple in. The house was nice and well kept. There were hardly any items besides basic furniture and little Knick knacks here and there. Emily also noticed photos hanging on the walls and sitting on tables. The pictures consisted of the two parents with their child happily laughing. With big smiles and sparkling eyes. Emily forced herself to look away.

”Would you like anything?” Rosalie asked.

”Coffee, please.” Emily and Derek day down with Mike. They stared at each other for a bit almost as if they didn’t know quite what to say. Mike looked like he was emotionally preparing himself. Probably telling himself to stay strong for his wife.

”What would you like to know?” His voice sounded hollow. It was like he detached himself from all emotion.

”If you could start from the beginning?” Emily saw a flash of emotion in his eyes but it quickly returned to emotionless.

“Uh... my wife and I woke up early and we decided to make pancakes because it was Charlie’s birthday. He was just turning 10. We... Uh... waited quite a bit and then that’s when I decided to go wake him up but when I got there his bed was made and he wasn’t there... I...” thick tears were now streaming down his face. “God, his toys were even put away. Charlie’s always had a messy room.” He buried his face in his hands. Harsh sobs escaped his lips. Rosalie came over and set the cups down. Emily could see the tears in her eyes as she hugged her husband. They clung to each other tightly as if they’d fall if they let go. Emily could feel her heart break a little.

”Do... you think Charlie will get better?” Rosalie whispered. Her eyes looked worlds away. Emily stood up and said sincerely:

”I believe he will, as long as you two are there for him I believe he will get better.” Rosalie sobbed out a ‘thank you’.

”If it’s not too much, we’d like to talk to Charlie?” Emily asked.

”Of course, whatever you need to do.” Rosalie said between sobs. The duo excused themselves and went for the stairs. As they walked up Emily took note of the baby pictures on the walls and the pictures of pregnancy. Emily never really thought of having kids but... it would be nice if she did. When they reached the top of the stairs it was easy to guess which room was his.

The door was open and there was a boy laying on his stomach. He had dark, wild hair. His hand was flying across the sketch book. Color pencils pooled around him. From what she could tell, he was a pretty good artist. And it wasn’t the typical child scribbles. He had actual proportionate people. As Emily got closer she noticed he was drawing a man. A man with straight brown hair and piercing blue eyes.   
Charlie had dark bags under his eyes. They looked like bruises, it was something no child should have. His eyes were empty and he looked sick and thin. Emily sat down on the floor with him, she could feel Derek hovering from behind.

”Hey Charlie, those are some nice drawings.” Charlie all but ignored her. He continued to draw, she swore there was a tiny bit of enjoyment in his eyes.

”I’m Emily and that’s my friend Derek. If you don’t mind we’d like to ask you some questions.” Again, Charlie just continued to draw so Emily tried a different approach:

”Who are you drawing.”

”... the bad man...” he spoke softly. Emily has to strain her ears to hear him. She looked back down on the page.

”Did the bad man say anything?” Derek asked while kneeling down. She saw Charlie tense a little, his hand started to shake.

“Dunno... I’m not very good with listening.” Charlie tapped his hearing aids. This is probably why Charlie was talking to them. He couldn’t hear the Unsubs warning about saying anything to anyone. Which sort of worked in their favor.

”I couldn’t see all too well. I just remember glowing stars on the ceiling.” He whispered. “He hurt me... why did he do that?” His voice grew smaller and she could hear the pain and the anguish.

”Because he’s a bad man and we’re going to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else again.” Derek answered. It was such a simple answer but it was true. Who knows why people do the things they do.

”Hey Charlie, do you think we could borrow that?” Emily pointed at the drawing and he gave a silent nod. He ripped the page out and handed to her.

”Thanks Charlie.” Emily gave him a small smile. 

“Is there anything else you remember Charlie?” Derek asked, the boy thought deeply. 

“Lavender.” He decided “It smelled like lavender.”

”Good, that’s good Charlie. Anything else?”

”There were candles on a window sill and every time he- “ Charlie choked up a little. His eyes misty and breath quick.

”Charlie it’s alright. You’re safe.” Emily rubbed small circles on his back. Fat tears rolled down his face. He let out a few sobs before he spoke again:

”He-he would ba-bath me after.” Charlie hiccuped. Emily decided this was enough. She couldn’t wait to beat the shit out of this man. How could anyone do this to a child?

”Alright, how ‘bout I take you to your mom and dad, huh?” He nodded vigorously, Emily picked him up and carried him downstairs. Derek was close behind, in all honesty that went better than the Sterling’s. They had gotten a little more information. Derek called for the parents attention and they crumbled even more so at the sight of their sobbing child. The Lewis’s took their child and the group sobbed together. Emily and Derek took that as their cue to leave.   
  


They got into the car silently. Both occupied in there thoughts. As they drove away Emily found her eyes on the house and her thoughts on the boy. She wanted to go back and hug him tightly and tell him that he was safe and that no one could hurt him. Maybe she could do that someday but not today. Today, there was another boy she had to look for. Today, she and the team were going to track down the SOB who did this and make him pay.


	3. Dreaming

Hotch kept a blank gaze on the board filled with pictures. It was hard to move, if he did he might scream out in pain and fear. The shivers were more frequent and stronger now. His headache was becoming a migraine and he could feel cold sweat down his back. In all honesty he felt really sick. Like ‘I wanna lay down and never get up again’ type of sick. But Hotch maintained his neutral face and normal posture. It didn’t matter, he was just sick... it was no big deal. He continued to watch Reid run around and ramble, to watch JJ shift through photos, and to watch Dave.... where was Dave? Oh. Right. Getting food. Hotch didn’t know why, he wasn’t hungry. Maybe everyone else was. His stomach burned in protest but he ignored it. He didn’t want to throw up again.

”Hey.” Hotch turned his focus to Prentiss and Morgan but he wasn’t really paying attention. He kept fidgeting with the end of his tie. Maybe he should pay attention... it’s for the case, probably important. With that, Hotch tunes back in.

”Charlie said there were stars on the ceiling, it smelled like lavender, and there were candles on the window sill.” Lavender. Hotch never liked the smell and he never knew why. It made him agitated.

”He also said the man would bathe him after.” It was left unsaid but everyone knew what happened before the bathing. Hotch felt like his skin was crawling.

”We would like to do a cognitive interview but the boys we talked to today wouldn’t be ideal.”

”Got anything for us Pretty Boy?” 

”Hmm? Yeah, there was another boy: August Mayfield. He’s 15 now but he was 13 when it happened.” Reid picked up the first file on the stack. Hotch was having a hard time paying attention. He just kept... drifting. His mind just wasn’t in it and he felt really uncomfortable in his clothes. He didn’t like how it was sticking to him now, he felt dirty. If he were alone and at home he would of ripped these clothes off by now. Unfortunately, he was at the precinct with his team. Hotch looked out the window, it had gotten dark. When did it become night? He swore it was day a couple seconds ago. Hotch frowned, it wasn’t good to lose time.

”Hotch? You okay.” Hotch looked up at Morgan’s voice. Everyone was staring at him... shit.

”Yeah, I’m fine.” He kept his voice even. Dave just looked at him skeptically. He could smell the food and it almost made him gag. He had to get it together, but for some reason he just... couldn’t. Hotch held a glare with him but in the end, looked away.

”You sure, Hotch? You’ve been staring into space for a few hours now.” JJ commented. Fuck, “You haven’t even responded when we’re talking to you.”

”Sorry, I’ve been... occupied in my thoughts.”

”That’s alright, I do that too.” Reid said absentmindedly “But it kinda looked like you were dissociating.” Dissociating? Oh he’s heard that word before. When he was a child he heard a... doctor say it? Maybe it was about him. He has lost time before but it always made him irritated because it messed up his routine.

”Oh. I think I’ve done that in the past.” He wasn’t usually this open but then again he was pretty tired. He could feel their eyes on him and it made his hair stand. He felt spacey...

”Maybe you should eat something. I got Chinese.” Hotch just hummed in reply as he fidgeted with the end of his tie. His head hurt and his eyes burned. It was too bright in here. He could hear the others opening takeout boxes and chopstick packages. Subconsciously, he knew Dave was urging him to eat but he didn’t want to. He continued to stare at the board. Children. Dark hair. Dark eyes. He noticed Prentiss tacking on a drawing of a man with brown hair and blues eyes. It felt like lightning had hit him. Hotch felt even more agitated, he started to fiddle with his tie a little faster. Stars. Song. They were talking but he couldn’t hear them. Their mouths were moving but no sound was coming out. Hotch didn’t mind, he kind of likes the quiet.

A hand touched his shoulder and much to his dismay he flinched violently. Hotch looked up with wide eyes to see who it was. Prentiss, it was Prentiss who looked a little startled at his reaction.

”Uh, you hungry?” Hotch blinked.

”Yeah, sorry. Migraine.” He didn’t mean to say that last bit. He internally scolded himself, they weren’t supposed to know. They weren’t supposed to know how weak he was.

”Oh that sucks, here I’ll turn off the lights.” Hotch felt his fear spike.

”No, that’s alright.” He managed to get out calmly. Hotch picked up his food and ate. Not wanting them to worry, he ate about half and drank some water. Jesus Hotchner! Get it together!! He continued in a silent fashion as did all the others. He could still feel their eyes on him which was starting to make him a little antsy. Thankfully, it was noodles so he wouldn’t have to worry about throwing up. Soon enough, everyone finished their meals and drinks. From what Hotch could tell, his team was wiped. Prentiss’s head was tipping, Reid was coming off of his coffee high, Morgan was trying to keep his eyes open, JJ just looked tired, and Dave sounded tired. He couldn’t help but worry for his team.

”Well, I think we should all get some sleep.” Dave said. There were sleepy murmurs of agreement. Everyone started to clean up and leave, but Hotch thought it’d be best to overview the case considering he spaced out for a few hours. Before he could get started he felt a tug on the scruff of his collar. Hotch looked back in annoyance to see Dave. 

”Aaron, that means you too.” He was about to open his mouth in protest but Dave stopped him.

”C’mon Aaron. You’re pretty out of it.” That wasn’t a lie and sleep did sound nice. Reluctantly, Hotch got up and gathered his things. Dave walked with him and brought him to his car.  
He must of really been out of it because next thing he knew he was walking out of the shower and making his way to the bed. He hadn’t remembered the drive over here, or entering the hotel, saying Goodnight to Dave, or even going to his room. Hotch shrugged and decided some sleep would do him good. At least his migraine was reduced to a dull headache. Hotch flopped on the bed and as soon as he hit the mattress, he was out. Soon enough, Hotch fell into the world of dreams.

_Aaron whimpered underneath his sheets. The sound of his parents yelling frightened him. It wasn’t clear enough to know what they were talking about but it was scary. He could hear his Dad’s yells and his Mama’s cries.  
Aaron slowly opened his eyes to be greeted by the stars on his ceiling. Mama said the stars would keep him safe. Sometimes he wished the stars would help his parents. Parents were supposed to love each other not yell and hit. Aaron wondered why they didn’t love each other. The sound of a slap made Aaron wince and bury himself under his covers. His Mama was crying and he could hear heavy footsteps coming closer to his door. Aaron squeezed his eyes shut hoping it will all go away. Hoping he’d wake up and his Dad and Mama would hug him and they’d eat pancakes together like one big happy family._

_The door creaked open and Aaron laid still._

_”Baby boy, are you awake?” A sweet, distorted voice spoke. Aaron kept his lips and eyes shut. His back was turned away from the door but he could feel the presence come closer. It was a dark and intimidating presence and it made Aaron paralyzed with fear. “It’s rude to not speak when spoken to Baby boy.”_

_”I-I’m awake.” It took all of Aaron’s might not to scream. When he turned around and opened his eyes he was greeted by a man with no face.  
_

_”Good... good...” the man said sweetly as he ran his large hand through Aaron’s hair. “My pretty little Aaron.”_

_For a second, the gesture was loving and warm but only for a second. The hand quickly slipped down to his throat and grabbed tightly. Aaron tried to scream but nothing came out. He kicked and clawed but the man wouldn’t let go. He felt small and the man grew in size. He tried to scream for his Mama but again, nothing came out. The man leaned in and said:_

_”I missed you my sweet little Aaron.”_

Hotch bolted upright with a scream caught in his throat. His breathing heavy and sweat slicked on his skin. His clothes were drenched and his heart was pounding. Just what the hell was that? It took a minute for Hotch to slow his breathing. Hesitantly, he glanced up at his ceiling. No stars, why would he dream of stars? Hotch glanced at the clock that read 3:00AM. That wasn’t... bad...? Maybe he could go in to the police department... Well whatever he was doing sleep was not an option. Hotch untangled himself from his sheets and headed for the shower. He was eager to get his sweat ridden clothes off. It was starting to make him squirm. Without hesitation he stripped and started the shower.

He found himself analyzing his dream. He’d never inserted himself in a case. Usually his dreams were about previous cases or his team dying but he himself was never in it. Usually he just watched. Why did he know the stars kept him safe? Why were his parents fighting? Who was the man with no face? Did he know him? Hotch felt his headache start to come back. He grimaced, he was probably just over stressed. Stress was one of the causes of headaches. Despite thinking this he knew there was more to it. His thoughts were unorganized and random. He couldn’t get his head straight.  
In the end, Hotch elected to ignore it. It was just a dream and it’s just a headache. Another shiver wracked his body as if to say ‘no’ but again, he ignored it. Hotch dressed himself and decided he’d rather have coffee than food. He grabbed his things and headed for the door. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t realize his appearance.

——————————

Dave and the rest of the team arrived at the PD at 7:30 AM. It was good to get a early start on the case and by the looks of everyone they slept well. Dave hadn’t seen Hotch that morning but then again Hotch had always gotten there maybe an hour or 30 minutes earlier. He couldn’t help but feel worried. Hotch was a mess last night. On their way to the hotel he kept mumbling to himself and staring into space. Dave had only caught a few words but it wasn’t in a language he understood. He planned to ask Aaron about it but the only reply he got was not English.

”What did he say Rossi?” He decided to ask Emily on their way in with the rest of the group.

”звезды. or something and I think ‘звезды защищают меня’.” He saw the teams faces of confusion. Emily thought for a moment then said:

”Stars. The stars keep me safe. Why would he say that?”

”I don’t know, he just kept repeating it.” 

”Didn’t know Hotch knew other languages.” Reid said with curiosity, probably wanting to question their boss about languages.

”And... I also thought he slept last night.” The team looked in Morgan’s direction to see something that was... unnatural. Hotch was surrounded by files in the conference room. He was reading through one pretty fast but what was more noticeable was his appearance. His hair was sticking up in all directions, practically covered in cow licks. His tie was backwards and he was biting his lip. A nervous tick Dave knew he had but he often hid it. JJ suddenly went past them, her walk aggressive.

”Ooh Hotch is in for it.” Emily giggled. The rest of the team followed behind cautiously.

”Hotch.” JJ’s voice was filled with steel. Her gaze frightened even him! Hotch looked up hesitantly. Despite the smile on her face everyone knew she was pissed. “Did you sleep last night?” Hotch looked thrown off balance.

”Yes...” Dave could hear a hint of Aaron’s southern accent. The one he desperately tried to get rid of which Dave never understood why but when he lied you could hear a hint of it slipping in. Everyone else knew that so that’s why they all knew Aaron was most likely going to die by JJ’s wrath.

”Did you eat?”

”Yes... JJ what’s this about?” Dave couldn’t help but wince in sympathy.

”Aaron Hotchner.” She had the mom voice “I know that you didn’t sleep considering your head looks like a cow lick farm and your tie is backwards.” Aaron had the decency to blush. In fact, his face was beet red as he attempted to flatten his hair. Sadly, the cow licks were there to stay so he at least fixed his tie.

”And when you lie your southern accent comes out so that tells me you didn’t eat either.” Aaron’s face got redder and he looked a little guilty. That was uncharacteristic of Aaron but then again this whole thing was.

”When did you wake up?” It became an interrogation. JJ put her hands on her hips.

”... 3:00 AM.” JJ fixed him a steely glare.

”I’m going to get you some food and then you are going to sleep.” No room for argument, damn. Aaron just nodded and JJ left. The tension in the room slowly dissipated.

”Hotch, are you ok?” Morgan asked.

”Yeah, I’m fine.”

”You sure? You don’t look fine.” He fixed Morgan his famous Hotchner glare.

”I’m fine Morgan.” He said a little more forcefully. The two just glared at each other. It was a little comical considering the way Aaron looked. Suddenly, Emily grabbed Morgan’s arm.

”Ok, we’re going to go interview.” She chuckled nervously as she dragged Morgan out. Morgan tried to protest but she simply look at him. Once those two had left and Reid had cautiously moved to the board Aaron started talking. Dave sighed as him and a Reid started to talk. He was getting too old for this and he left to find JJ.  
  


———————————

JJ shut herself in a room and had to fight the urge to hit something or someone. That man was just so stupid sometimes! She paced back and forth trying to cool herself. She only stopped when she heard the door open gently.

”You ok?”

”No,” JJ let out a sigh “Why can’t he let us in?” Her eyes were a little teary making it hard to look Rossi straight in the eye. She hated it when people saw her cry.

”Because he doesn’t know how.” His voice was somber. 

”Why? Doesn’t he know we care? Jesus, Hotch looks just like how my sister started to look before she-“ JJ took a breath “He’s been getting skinner and it’s gotten even harder to get him to eat. He hardly sleeps anymore and he’s been looking sicker! It’s like he’s fading away and I can’t bear to lose another family member! I don’t know how’d we all function without Hotch! He takes care of us but who takes care of him?” Rossi stepped forward and enveloped her in a hug. JJ sunk into it, letting her stress and tension roll off of her.

”We take care of each other.” He said softly “You know, Hotch had those same problems when I had met him.” JJ perked up.

”He did?”

”Yeah, but me and Gideon helped him. And all he needs is a little help again.” JJ let go or Rossi and the two made eye contact.

”Thanks.” She let out a small smile and returned it.

”No problem, that’s what family’s for.” She felt a little more calm after that conversation. All he needs is some help...

”I better get him some food.” 

“You do that.” And the two parted. JJ smiles to herself, they could help Hotch. He wasn’t going to go away not if they could help it.

——————————

“I think he’s a man we are looking for is a white male in his late 50’s to 60’s whose charming and gets along with everyone. He’d be the person everyone would least suspect and he’s probably got no spouse. Perhaps a divorce was the stressor two years ago which resulted in the mother gain custody of the child. The child was likely his first victim and we need to find that child.” Spencer glanced at Hotch every few seconds as he gave the profile. Something was wrong with Hotch. That much he could tell. Maybe he was sick?

”He most likely works in home security. That way he can set up cameras and watch the victims from the comforts of his home. He’s meticulous and organized and has had a long time of practice.” Spencer answered a few questions here and there after Hotch finished the profile but his worry wouldn’t go away. While Spencer wasn’t the best with feeling or recognizing emotions it was obviously Hotch was hurting. Despite the calmness of his voice and the neutrality of his face he noticed how Hotch kept fidgeting. Usually the man kept still but once or twice Spencer noticed him fiddling with edge of his tie. He did that yesterday too when he was dissociating. Fiddling and murmuring the same Russian words Rossi had spoken of. Of course Spencer hadn’t said anything but he kept wondering if he should. And on the plane when they talked about the case Spencer noticed a hint of fear in Hotch’s eyes. Hotch’s eyes had always looked... empty. Sometimes he would show emotions but Spencer noticed it was only in appropriate situations. Situations when you were supposed to show emotion. He noticed when given something Hotch liked to fiddle with it and he couldn’t keep his hands still.

”Garcia can you check any divorces where the Mothers gained custody of a child 22 years ago or perhaps the child died which caused a divorce.” Hotch’s voice broke his thoughts. He hadn’t even realized they went back to the conference room.

”Of course bossman! It will take a minute! That’s a very long list, anyway for me to narrow it down?”

”Uh Garcia we have a picture of a man, hold on.“ Spencer quickly took a photo with his phone and sent it.

”Ah! Thank you boy wonder. I will get back to you. And from yesterday’s question the only child death was a 1 year old.” No, it wouldn’t be a 1 year old. The child was most likely older 22 years ago. Most likely in his teens or pre-teens. 

”Thank you Garcia.” Spencer noted a little waver in Hotch’s voice. Spencer knew they had a rule about profiling within the team but none of them could help it. It was a habit, and his profile of Hotch suggests: Hotch is a classic alpha male or at least that’s what he presents himself to be. He’s closed off and private, unwilling to let anyone in. He probably views admitting one is sick or hurt as a weakness, at least when it involves him-

“Reid, you ok?” Spencer realized he was staring.

”Uh, yeah. I’m thinking the child should of been pre-teen or teen 22 years ago and considering this Unsub has a range of 7-15 it’s my guess 7 is the age of his child from when he started and 15 is the age he had to stop.” Hotch nodded in agreement. Suddenly the smell of pancakes stopped him. He could feel his mouth starting to water. Spencer immediately looked at the door, a smile bloomed on his face.

”Hi, I got some food for the both of you. We don’t need two skeletons.”

”I’m not that skinny.” Hotch protested.

”With maple syrup?” Spencer asked excitedly, the sound of sugar agreed with him “and coffee?”

”Just for you Spence. And Hotch, no more coffee today.” Hotch’s face turned a little red. “I’m going to watch both of you eat because I know you both tend to forget.” Uh oh, JJ has her mom voice on. Spencer didn’t really care though. He cared more about the pancakes than that. He started to dig in while Hotch ate slowly. JJ kept her eyes trained on both of them as she silently sipped her coffee. Yup, she was in mom mode. While Spencer didn’t really mind he noticed Hotch looked uncomfortable. Hotch never liked attention, that much he knew. Especially when it was in regards to his health, physically and mentally. It didn’t take Spencer long to finish but he noticed Hotch was barely finished with one. He looked a little sick.

”JJ I don’t think he should eat the whole thing.”

”Why not?” Her voice was firm.

”Well, if he rarely eats solids then making him eat a whole pancake might be a lot for him. I don’t think he can stomach it.” Hotch had a glint of relief in his eyes.

”Hotch, can you eat the whole thing?” JJ turned to Hotch and the two made eye contact. Hopefully Hotch would open up. Spencer’s rarely ever heard the man talk about himself.

”No...” he admitted, probably because he realized he had an obvious tell. The tension in his shoulders relaxed as he put down the fork. “Honestly, it’s better if I eat in small quantities.” JJ just sighed and accepted the answer.

”You can eat the rest later.” Spencer noticed every few minutes Hotch would try to comb his hair down but the curls would spring back up.

”Didn’t realize you’re hair was so... messy.” Spencer said in between sips.

Hotch gave a heavy sigh “Yeah, it takes me hours to gel it down.” Spencer almost laughed, he’d never seen his boss so... open.

”Here, let me help.” JJ magically produced a comb. Hotch gave a reluctant nod and JJ got to work. She meticulously brushed each curl; not straightening it out but at least making it look neat. Spencer could see Hotch’s eyelids starting to droop. He could see why, Hotch hasn’t gotten any sleep plus having someone brushing your hair could be very relaxing. And soon enough, his boss was asleep. JJ gave his hair a few more combs and then set the comb down.

”I was hoping that would happen.”

”JJ, that’s just evil.”

”Why thank you.” a devilish smirk spread across her face and Spencer had to keep himself from laughing. After all, he didn’t want to wake his boss and let JJ’s work go to waste.

————————————

August spent most of the day on his bed with his DS in hand. He was busy with Animal Crossing when he heard the doorbell ring. A part of him wanted to just ignore it but he could hear his Mama’s nagging voice ‘Open the door Auggie, it’s polite’. Yeah, which was the perfect way to get kidnapped. What the hell, might as well. August pushed himself out of bed and made his way down the stairs. He didn’t really care how tired and sick he looked, maybe that would make them go away. Before opening to door August let out a deep sigh and plastered a cheery smile on his face. It was obvious he was faking the smile but who the fuck cares. He opened the door to see a tall muscular guy and a woman who looked eerily like his Mama.

”Yes?” He tried to keep the hiss out of his tone.

“Are... you August Mayfield?” Ma- The woman asked. He felt his stomach pitch. He didn’t like the way they were looking at him.

”Yes and you are?”

”I’m SSA Emily Prentiss and this is my partner SSA Derek Morgan, we’re with the FBI.” They flashed their badges with looked pretty authentic.

”Hey kid are your parents home.” He hated that question. August felt his anger flare and inside his head, his Mama said ‘Don’t be mad Auggie, they don’t know’.

”They left for Italy but I guess they got lost because that was a year ago.” The duo had awkward a looks on their faces which he reveled in. But it slowly switched to pity which he grew angry with.

”Look, do ya need something or am I getting kidnapped again.” Hospitality was out the window. 

”Actually, we’d like to ask some questions about that night...” SSA Morgan said awkwardly. Good, squirm like the worm you are.

”Oh... I-“ August choked up, he tried to say something witty or snarky but that’s all that came out. He could see the stars and smell the lavender. God, that awful smell.

”Please, we need your help to find another boy.” Ma- SSA Prentiss said, the look in her eyes was very similar to his Mama. And the thought of another boy going through with what he went through... August steeled himself.

”Ok, come in.” August led them to the kitchen and went for the fridge. He could see their eyes darting to every area of the house. Feds. ‘Hospitality dear’ his Mama’s voice intervened again. August made a glance at his fridge. Only a half drunken jug of milk and there was a family sized chip bag in the cupboard. Yup, he was running low.

”Do you want anything?” He dared you ask.

”No, we’re good.” SSA Morgan assured, August internally let out a sigh of relief. Then he made himself a glass of milk and sat down.

”Kid, aren’t you supposed to be in school by now?” Hah.

”No, I graduated two years ago.” He sniffed. The duo looked at him in awe, this... warmth bloomed in his chest.

”From high school?”

”No, college. Graduated from MIT.” He said with more pride. Usually people would ignore him or tell him to stop being so rude. But these two looked in awe.

”Wow, you might be smarter than our resident genius.”

”And... whose that?”

”Dr. Spencer Reid.” Ma- SSA Prentiss said dramatically. August shot up out of his chair, excitement courses through him.

”DR. SPENCER REID??! HOLY SHIT, YOU WORK WITH DR. SPENCER REID??!!!” The two looked at each other in amusement.

”Yeah...? What’s it to you?” 

”ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! HE’S BRILLIANT! I’VE READ ALL OF HIS PAPERS AND ATTENDED ONE OF HIS SEMINARS! NOT TO MENTION HE’S HOT!!” August felt his face heat up, he didn’t mean to say that last bit... SSA Prentiss let out a laugh.

”Looks like Pretty boy has a fan boy here.” SSA Morgan chuckled. The light air started to dissipate along with their laughter. The trio started to remember why they were here. August sat back down.

”What do you want me to do?”

”We’re going to do a cognitive interview-“

”You want me to relive that shit!” August bit his lip, remember the other boy. You’re going to help them even if you don’t want to. August took in a deep breath “Sorry.”

”No it’s alright.”

”Do I close my eyes or..?” He was unsure about that. He already saw the man every time he closed his eyes. What’s the difference?

“If you want...” August closed them and tried to relax himself.

”Ok let’s get this show on the road.”

_It was dark, August could hear the rain pattering against the windows. He looked mournfully at the table with three chocolate cakes set out. He hoped his parents would come to celebrate his graduation from MIT and he’d even waited till midnight. But considering they weren’t even there earlier in the evening when he walked to the podium, it was no surprise they weren’t here for this. August let out a sigh of disappointment, he really shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. August sat down after the decision to eat all three slices of cake himself. He could barley hear the door creak open and the sound of footsteps. For a childish second, August hoped his parents were here. But only for a stupid second. He looked up with glee only for it to be turned into fear and confusion. He saw a tall, skinny man with brown hair and blue eyes. A brown sack was thrown over his shoulder. The strange man looked drenched from the pouring rain and had a smile on his face. For a genius, August’s mind went blank with fear._

_”You like chocolate cake Baby boy?” August nodded numbly, his accent was odd. The nickname made him feel a little disgusted. The man, despite his smile, had a dangerous vibe to him. August still couldn’t move._

_”You answer when spoken to Baby boy.” His tone was soft and gentle but his vibe was anything but._

_”Yeah... I do, and who the hell are you?” August didn’t mean for that to slip out. He was as good as dead. He tried to reach for his phone but it was of no use._

_”Baby boy, you shouldn’t use such language.” The man chastised “Ah ah ah, put your hand on the table.” August complied hesitantly. The man came closer making the hair stand on the back of his neck. Quickly, August tried to escape from the other side. But the man was too quick and lunges for him. He gripped his arm hard causing August to yelp. He punched, kicked, and flailed but the man wrestled him into the brown sack. He tried to kick upward but it was of no use. He let out a startled shout as he felt himself suspend and be thrown over the man’s shoulder. He screamed and shouted for help as loud as he could. No one would hear him how hard the rain was coming down. For a childish second, August thought someone would hear him... but no one did. All he could hear was the man singing a haunting tune._

_”Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird._

_And if that mockingbird won’t sing,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring._

_And if that diamond ring turns brass,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass._

_And if that looking glass gets broke,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a billy goat._

_And if that billy goat won’t pull,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a horse and cart._

_And if that horse and cart fall down,_

_You’ll still be the sweetest baby in town.”_

_”Oh, I missed you my sweet little Aaron.”_

August let out a scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> August is an oc from my book


	4. Breathe, Darling, Breathe

August was hiccuping and sobbing. His breathes sharp and wild. Derek tried to calm the boy but he was in a midst of a panic. He could feel his heart tighten in anger. Who could do such a thing to children!! Derek sympathized the best with these boys out of the whole team. He knew what it felt like to be scared out of his mind and taken advantage of by a man while he was just a child.

”August, August it’s ok. You’re not there you’re at your house with me. Remember? It’s me, Derek Morgan. You’re alright, the man isn’t here. Just breathe.” August seemed to be like he was trying to listen but his breathing was still too quick and short.

”August breath deeply, can you do that for me?” Derek took a deep breath as if to demonstrate. August attempted to mimic him but his breathing stuttered every few seconds or so.

”Good, that’s good. Just keep doing that.” He soothed. August’s recall helped a lot but there was one detail that bothered Derek. Aaron? The man called him Aaron? Aaron’s a pretty common name so it couldn’t have any relation but... Hotch has been acting odd ever since this case started. He’s looked more tired and he looked sick. His appetite now has completely vanished and he hasn’t been sleeping either. No... it couldn’t be! Derek tried to convince himself of that. Aaron’s a common name... think nothing of it. An idea came to mind.

”Hey... August how ‘bout you come with us to the police department? We can get food, your pick... annnd you can meet Dr. Spencer Reid.” He held a small smile on his face. If the boy was a dog he was sure the boy’s ears would’ve perked up and his tail would start to wag. He rubbed his eyes dry.

”Re-really?”

”Yea! It’ll be fun!” Emily joined in with a smile and fire in her eyes.

”Ok, let me get ready.” He said while trying to keep his voice steady. Derek could hear him trying to stop the hiccups and stutters. Both him and Emily kept their eyes on him even when he disappeared up the stairs. For a couple minutes, they stared at the ceiling. Worry written all over their faces... as well as contemplation.

”Did you hear what he said?” Emily said quietly. Derek knee what she was referring to.

”Emily, Aaron’s a common name.”

”As much as I’d like to believe that... and trust me, I would. I just don’t feel like that’s the answer to this.” Derek bit his lip. Neither did he.

”Lets not make any assumptions just yet.” He and Emily made eye contact.

”But, you saw the way he was this morning... he looked sick Derek...” he saw the worry in her eye, in fact, he mirrored it. “and he’s been getting thinner and thinner everyday. God, he kinda looks like a doll... Don’t tell him I said that!” Derek let out a small laugh. Their boss had delicate features, a willowy frame, and those dark doll eyes. None of them would admit it but they all thought of Hotch that way. A mind like Fort Knox, emotions hidden, but delicate on the inside. His suit served as armor for him and Derek noted how uncomfortable he looked without it. Honestly, Derek never saw him in short sleeves or shorts. 

Footsteps brought him out of his thoughts and he looked to see August. He still had is trademark ‘it looks like I don’t know what a brush is’ hair and his eyes were somewhat red from the crying. He wore a graphic tee, red flannel tied around his waist, dark ripped jeans, and a pair of black vans in his hand.

”Nice, you cleaned up good kid.” A faint blush dusted his cheeks.

”Th-Thanks.” He looked away, obviously unused to compliments. Emily made her way to the door.

”C’mon let’s go! What d’ya want to eat?” August thought for a moment as he tugged on his shoes.

”There’s a pretty great pizza place a couple blocks down.” Derek couldn’t help but smile. Pizza sounded great.

”Sounds awesome.” Derek followed them out to the car. The group piled in and went off for a hunt for food.

———————————

“How did you get him to sleep?” Dave watched in awe as he saw Aaron sitting straight up in his chair. At first he thought he was awake considering his closed eyes was the only indication he was sleeping. JJ gave him a devilish smile which made him a little scared of the answer.

”You drugged him, didn’t you?”

”Wouldn’t you like to know?” She let out a couple giggles.

”Reid?” Dave looked at him for explanation but one glance from JJ and Reid shut his mouth. Dave let out a sigh and looked at Aaron again. Ha had never seen Aaron look so... relaxed. Although, he had no idea how Aaron stayed sitting straight up without anything to keep him that way. Even when asleep the man stayed alert. While his face looked relaxed his body wasn’t. Dave wondered what a fully relaxed Aaron Hotchner looked like. 

”Hey-!” Poor Emily was immediately shushed by JJ. Dave looked at them to see three pizza boxes and a young boy— who he guessed was August Mayfield. His eyes were slightly red, probably from crying, but he looked rather excited.

”Is... Hotch sleeping?” Derek whispered as JJ silently jabbed her finger towards Aaron’s position.

”Yes, and i would like to keep it that way.” JJ’s voice was strong and motherly. She obtained that voice after Henry. Derek nodded almost comically.

”Did-did ya drug him?” Dave had to stifle his laughter. JJ gave the same devilish smile to the duo, who started to look a little uncomfortable.

”Remind me to never get on JJ’s bad side.” Derek whispered “August, let me introduce ya to Reid.” Derek and Emily walked in and set the boxes down on the table. They went slow and quiet, in hopes of not waking their sleeping boss. August had a million sparkles in his eyes. Reid gave the same awkward look he always had.

”Hi, I’m August Mayfield. I’m a big fan.” The boy gushed, it was rather adorable. Reid smiled.

”Nice to meet you August.” They shook hands and the boy’s face lit up with glee.

”We think August here might be smarter than you.” Derek teased “Says he graduated from MIT at 13.” August’s face went a little red.

”I-I wouldn’t say smarter. I’m just good with tech and math and stuff...” he fiddled with his fingers.

”What’s your IQ?” Emily said whole stuffing her face with a slice of pizza.

”196....” he mumbled but everyone heard it. Reid had this sparkle in his eye. A sparkle that said ‘I found someone on my wavelength’. And soon they dropped into a conversation Dave knew nothing about. It’s not like he was stupid he just... wasn’t in their realm of understanding. Movement caught the rest of the teams eye.

Aaron’s brows were furrowed, you could see sweat dripping down his face, and his body wracked in shivers. Nightmare. He was having a nightmare. Dave noticed how his mouth was screwed shut, not letting out a single sound.

”Should we wake him?” Emily asked.

”Of course we should!” Derek moved to wake him but JJ stopped him.

”Morgan, he needs sleep.”

”Yeah, and get can get it after we wake him from this nightmare.” Dave intervened.

”Maybe if you just get him to relax while not waking him.” Derek thought for a moment “I don’t know what JJ did but getting Aaron to sleep is hard, trust me.”

”... maybe I should move him to the couch. He can’t be comfortable like that.” Emily snorted.

”Seriously?”

”Yeah, what do you want me to do? Sing?” The two held a glare.

”Alright quit it you two.” JJ put her hands on her hips.

”Alright, Alright,” Derek moves to pick up Aaron. He moved carefully and slowly. Quietly transitioning Aaron into what people call ‘the bridal style’. Dave slapped his hand over his mouth to keep himself from laughing. JJ’s mouth was pressed firmly together in a shape of a twitching smile. Emily’s body was shaking with laughter. It was just so... hilarious.

”Jesus, he’s so light!” Derek practically shouted. Which was his fatal mistake. Aaron’s eyes flew open, he looked disoriented and full of panic.

”WHAT THE FUCK!?!” He screamed and landed a punch straight into Derek’s jaw. The two fell to the ground with a loud the thud. The three couldn’t hold it in any longer and dissolved into laughs and giggles. Derek sorely touched his jaw.

”Jesus Hotch! Why the hell did you punch me?!”

”Why were you carrying me?!”

”I was moving you to the couch! You didn’t have to freak!”

”Morgan,” Emily said between laughs “considering what we do why wouldn’t he freak.”

”Emily-“

”He literally woke up to someone carrying him!” She burst out with laughter, tears were in here eyes. This only made Dave and JJ laugh harder.

”Oh my god, your face Morgan!” Aaron lifted himself up, face tinted red as he straightened out his clothes. Morgan, too, got up. Obviously embarrassed but he decided not to say anything.

”Made any progress?” Aaron mumbled out as he massaged his sore head. The three hyenas collected themselves. Wiping their tears of laughter and sucking in a few breaths.

”Well we brought August... and he said there was a man who took him in a brown sack in the middle of the night. He also sang a lullaby.” Derek informed him. Aaron nodded stiffly, while that information was helpful they still needed more. The man was elusive, it would be hard to track him but Dave believed they could do it. If anyone could, it was his team.

———————————

Hotch felt tremendously embarrassed. He could feel the heat on his face and it didn’t help that he was accompanied by shivers and migraines. He felt sick, and it was getting harder to hide. How could he let himself fall asleep like that? He couldn’t appear weak in front of the team! He couldn’t appear weak in front of anyone!! Hotch gritted his teeth and pressed his lips firmly together. He was annoyed at the cold sweat slipping down his back. At how his clothes stuck to him. At the pounding in his head and the stinging of his eyes. All he really wanted to do was lie down in a dark room. That is... if he could stand the dark. He’d never admit it out loud but the dark frightened him. He felt fear right down to his bones, as if it was hardwired into him. The only other person who he knew shared his fear was Reid. Not that he’d talk about it. It was just a silly fear, he shouldn't be afraid of the dark.

Hotch massaged the back of head once more. The fall really did affect him more than he’d like. His head ached even more so. There was this nagging feeling in his head... something familiar but he could quite grasp it. Hotch internally sighed, things were too confusing now. Why could he have a simple day?

”What was the song?” He decided to ask.

”Uh, that one hush a bye baby...??” Prentiss sounded uncertain as to what was the title “I’d rather not sing it in front of August.” She pointed at the child who was chatted rather eccentricly with Reid. Why was he here?

”Whys he here?”

”Well we sort of triggered a panic attack and we felt bad. Also, his parents abandoned him.” Morgan’s face got serious as he stared Hotch down. It was always an alpha male fight between them, not that Hotch didn’t like it. It was fun. Hotch only nodded in response and kept his eyes trained on the boy. Yet again, a spark of familiarity nagged at the back of his head.

”Hey Aaron, maybe you should go get some sleep.” Now it was a spark of annoyance.

”Dave-“

”He’s right Hotch. We need you at your best.” Morgan yet again challenged him. And Hotch clashed back. They initiated a stare down. You could practically taste the testosterone.

”Please Hotch.” Hotch stiffened, he always had trouble saying no to JJ. She reminded him of his Mama. Although, he’d never tell her that... but she was soft and warm. Just like his Mama. Hotch let out a sigh.

”Fine, call me if you need me.”

”Sweet dreams.” Prentiss called with a smile on her face. Internally, Hotch smiled back.   
  


Hotch made his way to his car, he was sure he could drive back safely. The hotel wasn’t far and it wasn’t like he was tired right now. He just had a migraine and shivers. Despite not being in the company of others Hotch kept his stiff posture and skin tight mask. He would never let himself be seen weak in public. He would never allow himself to be weak. Hotchner men were not weak. Hotch kept this in mind as he drove back. He faintly remembered his Father saying that. But his Father wasn’t really in his life so there wasn’t much else he could remember. Hotchner men were not weak.... what was defined as weak? Hotch never usually asked these sorts of questions but right now he felt it was appropriate. He felt off balance ever since this case and just couldn’t see to find his footing. Hotch sighed as he parked the car and headed for his room. Maybe Reid could answer that question... but it’d most likely be a dictionary definition. Maybe Dave? He was more philosophical than Reid... but would he provide a satisfactory answer? Hotch’s head was swarmed with questions by the time he arrived at his room. It was strange, he was usually logical and level headed. Never bothering himself with such things. 

Hotch immediately crashed on the bed as soon as he tugged of his shoes, blazer, and tie. He didn’t feel like moving. Hotch hasn’t realized how tired his body was... and then he fell into the world of dreams.

_Aaron felt cold and so alone. It was dark from everywhere he looked. The walls were cold and close to him. So close to him that he had to draw his legs tight against his chest. Metal, he was surrounded by metal. The smell alone was a big clue. Aaron felt tears rolling down his cheeks. He tried to stop but they just kept falling. He felt so scared, he wanted his Mama!_

_”Baby boy, remember What have I told you?” Aaron heard a voice outside the box he figured he was in. He couldn’t answer, his throat was tight._

_”I said no crying, boys don’t cry. Hotchner men aren’t weak.” The distorted voice grew dark making Aaron shiver. He let out a small whimper which was a fatal mistake. A loud slam rammed into the box. Aaron let out a small scream._

_”ARE YOU WEAK AARON?” Aaron desperately wanted to say no but nothing came out but struggled breaths. Sorry sorry sorry! He was so sorry! Sorry sorry sorry- another slam. But this time Aaron slammed his mouth shut. He need to stop... and soon his tears stopped, his eyes grew dark and cold, and his whimpers stopped. His body still and rigid._

_”You know I love you Baby boy?”_

_”Yes.” His voice sounded hollow and empty. It was nice to stop feeling. He didn’t feel scared or alone. Light flooded his vision but he kept himself from wincing. The man with no face picked him up and set him down on his feet. He still kept his grip on him. Almost a burning grip but Aaron stopped himself from crying out in pain._

_”I love you so much Baby Boy. But sometimes I need to discipline you and the belt just wasn’t working anymore... you understand right?”  
_

_”Yes.” Aaron stayed obedient, not eager for pain._

_”Good... good. Well I’m going to make it up to you! I’ll show you how much I love you! ‘Kay?” The grip became tighter and every fiber in Aaron’s being was telling him to run. But Aaron didn’t do that._

_”Ok.”_

**_Fire._ **

**_He felt like he was on fire._ **

**_HelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelpHelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelpHelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelpHelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelpHelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelpHelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelp._ **

**_Mama Help me Please._ **

Hotch let out a scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s not as long


	5. Falling Apart at the Seams

Hotch couldn’t breathe, his chest felt heavy. Almost as if a 50 pound weight was sitting on his chest. Hotch struggled for breaths he knew he needed to breathe but he just couldn’t. Finally, he was able to suck in a stuttering breath of air. And another. And another. And another. Just what the hell was that? These dreams were getting worse and worse. And so was his headache. Immediately, Hotch bolted to the bathroom. Alarm bells was ringing in his head. He threw up, an awful feeling. But thankfully he made it just in time. The taste in his mouth made he want to cry but he ignored the want.

Groaning, he pushed himself up. His clothes drenched in sweat and his body ached. Hotch could feel a headache rearing it’s ugly... head. Slowly, he made his way to his go-bag. Hotch picked out a pair of sweat pants and began to strip. His clothes were making him uncomfortable and it was better if he slept in sweats instead of a tie. Usually, Hotch would head to the department to work on the case but he knew JJ would tear him a new one. Also, he was just too tired. It was like everything had caught up to him and his body ached. His head hurt and he felt so disoriented. Sluggishly, he tugged on the sweats not minding to look at his rather skinny and ugly body. And yet again, he collapsed on the bed and somehow he was able to tug on the blankets. Once again he fell into a deep sleep.

_Aaron found himself in the dark. No light as far as the eye could see. He curled in on himself, he felt scared. So scared, everything hurt. He just wanted it to all stop, to all go away. Aaron wanted to cry but knew he couldn’t. He was allowed to. Again, white hot pain shot through him. He let out a small whimper.  
_

_“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” The voice didn’t sound comforting._

_”Beautiful, like a doll. Just like your mother.” A hand caressed his cheek, Aaron had to stop himself from pulling away. The voice laughed, an awful laugh._

_”You’re mine... you know that Baby boy? All mine.” He felt another sharp pain causing him to whimper. The voice shushed him, almost cooing him, mocking him. Aaron tried to move away but a hand gripped his hair._

_”Ah ah Baby Boy. Stay with me...” the hand ran through his hair. Aaron felt disgusted, he felt enormous amounts of pain, but most of all he felt scared. Aaron could help but cry out when another sharp pain ran through him. The voice just laughed again._

_”Please... stop.” He found himself saying. Stop what? Stop the pain? He felt confused. Why is this happening to him? Why him?_

_”Why? Don’t you love me?” The voice asked. It was a dangerous tone and Aaron didn’t know how to answer. “Well?”_

_”Ye-Yes... I love you.” Aaron’s voice shook. He felt hands running across his body. Slowly caressing every inch of him. He hated it, he felt disgusting and filthy._

_”Good. I love you too Baby Boy.” Aaron felt himself fade away. He felt himself close off from the world. It was nice to feel nothing and Aaron decided he wanted to stay that way. This way he wouldn’t be hurt. This way he would be safe and sound. So Aaron’s eyes began to dull and turn a dark shade. His once bright eyes were no more. And, unknowingly, his soul shattered. Aaron felt no more._

Hotch felt feverish, he woke in a disoriented state. Unable to move or so much as open his eyes. He felt sick... so very sick. Hotch could barely make out a hand running through his hair. He figured it was Dave. Dave always treated him like a kid despite thinking Hotch didn’t notice. So he let it happen, usually he’d be opposed to touch but he just didn’t care anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. With that, Hotch drifted back into a dreaded sleep. Sadly, it wasn’t nightmare free.

he drifted.

in and out.

a hand running through his hair.

Dave?

Maybe.

someone was humming a soft tune.

in and out.

_”Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird._

_And if that mockingbird won’t sing,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring._

_And if that diamond ring turns brass,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass._

_And if that looking glass gets broke,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a billy goat._

_And if that billy goat won’t pull,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a horse and cart._

_And if that horse and cart fall down,_

_You’ll still be the sweetest baby in town.”_

——————————

The Team continued to work on the case. Thoughts of Hotch was still ghosting their minds. No one really stopped thinking of their sick boss. It was rather obvious he wasn’t well and there was a whole new side to him they hadn’t seen. A vulnerable side. So while they bounced off ideas and followed leads, they thought of Hotch.

”you think Hotch is alright?” Morgan voices everyone’s thoughts. It was almost odd that the team didn’t have trouble reading each other’s minds.

”He’s probably caught the flu.” Rossi spoke.

”Yea... maybe.” Morgan said, less than convinced.

“Jeez... we cant focus like this.” JJ groaned. The others nodded, while August continued to munch on a slice of pizza. After a thrilling talk with Reid he found himself hungry. Suddenly the phone went off. Morgan answered immediately.

”Hotch?”

”No...? Sorry hot stuff it’s just me.” Garcia’s voice rang out despite it not being on speaker. Morgan tried to hide his disappointment and put her on speaker.

”Sorry Baby Girl.”

”Is everything alright with Hotch?”

”Yeah... He’s just sick right now.”

”Awww I hope Bossman feels better!! Send him my love.”

”Will do Baby girl.” Morgan smiled and the rest of the team did too. Garcia had always found a way to make them smile. She really was a relief when I came to this job.

”So whatcha got for me?”

”O-oh yes... I Uh Reid and Bossman asked me to find any parents who divorced 22 years ago... and...”

”What is it Baby girl?” The others watched in worry.

”Th-there’s only one.... and... it’s the divorce of Daniel and Rebecca Hotchner. Daniel Hotchner was denied parental rights of his children Aaron and Sean Hotchner... be-because of the accident he was deemed unfit.” The room went silent. Shock went through all of them. Hotch.... was it Hotch’s Father? Is that why he was so ill.

”Wh-what accident Garcia?” Rossi whispered.

”He... pushed Hotch down the stairs when he was 15. Rebecca Hotchner claims they were having a fight about their divorce and he stormed out. Hotch was coming up the stairs and he shoved him. He claims it was an accident but Rebecca saw the whole thing. Hotch ended up in the hospital for two months due to extensive head injury.... he was in a coma for two months and when he woke up...” everyone held their breath. Anger courses through their veins.

”He lost a lot of memory....” Morgan paced angrily. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to find Daniel Hotchner and beat him to death. JJ covered her mouth, eyes watering. Reid looked pained, like he didn’t know how to take the information. Rossi looked the most upset and almost as angry as Morgan. Prentiss was silent but you could feel her anger and mourning. Garcia’s silence spoke loudly of her sadness.

”We-we gotta check on him.” JJ sniffed “If this is his Father...”

“Yeah.... I’ll call you back Baby Girl.”

”Ok... take care...” and with that the phone clicked off. The air was tense with anger and sorrow. Even August had gotten uncomfortable.

”Go. I’ll be fine.” August’s voice surprised them all. He had some strength to it, almost as if he found his confidence and footing again. “Agent Hotch needs you guys.” 

”Are you sure you’ll be ok?” Reid asked but his voice was quiet. August nodded with conviction. 

”Thanks Kid.” Morgan smiled and he prepared to leave. The team followed him. And together, they went to aid their boss. Like he had done, so many times for them. Well now, they were going to be there for him.

-

The team arrived to his room. Each mentally bracing themselves for what they were about to see. Without a word, Emily lock picked the door. Morgan decided not to question it but JJ was definitely gonna ask about this later. Slowly, the team moved in. Trying not make a sound. And there, in front of them, laid Hotch. Tangled in his sheets, breath heavy, sweat slipping down his skin, he looked pale and sick. JJ was the first to approach him. Her motherly instinct flaring and Rossi followed. His own fatherly instinct flaring. She kneeled down in front of him. Her hand running through his hair.

”Hotch...” she said softly. “Hotch wake up.” Hotch groaned slightly, moving slowly and almost as if he were sore. His eyes opened drowsily and then fluttering open once he realized who was there. He bolted up causing JJ to move back in avoidance of getting hit

“Wha-?” He tried but then fell into a coughing fit. JJ soothingly rubbed small circles on his back. Dave left to get him a cup of water. After a few more coughs he grabbed the water and drank slowly. Questions swam through his eyes. Probably wondering why they were all here and did not appreciate the invasion of privacy. What the team was interested in was the scars on his body. Long, criss-crossed lines covered his back. They also noticed the thin lines on each arm. Hotch must of noticed they were all staring because he tried to cover himself with the blanket.

”Hey Aaron, you feeling ok.”

”Why are you all here?” His voice sounded like it when through a wood chipper. He also ignored Dave’s question.

”Hotch,” JJ said gently “what do you remember about your father?” A puzzled look crossed his face.

”I-I don’t know... he wasn’t around much...” Hotch answered honestly.

“Why?” before anyone could answer Reid spoke up:

”Hotch is that yours?” He motioned to the box sitting on the chair.

”No.” The team sprung into action. Looking throughout the room to see if anyone was hiding in wait. Morgan checked the box carefully trying to determine whether it was a bomb. Thankfully, it wasn’t. He opened it to find DVD’s with names labeled on them. They were all neatly stacked, almost a little OCD. 

”Guys, it’s DVD’s of the victims...” Morgan spoke quietly but they all heard. Hotch pushes himself up and through on a hoodie and socks.

”We have to get those to the precinct.”

”Aaron you’re obviously sick, why don’t you stay here.” Dave protested while Hotch tugged his shoes on.

”Doesn’t matter, also you have to tell me what else you guys have found out.” He was most likely referring to JJ’s question earlier and the fact the whole team came to him in person instead of calling him.

”Hotch-“

”I’m going.” He said firmly. Hotch was one stubborn bastard. The team was at a lost. He deserved to know, considering he didn’t remember his own father in the first place. But on the other hand he was really sick and the information could damage him. But then again, he would find out anyways since he was literally the unit chief. He wasn’t some minor agent, he was their boss, their friend, their family. In the end, they decided he deserved to know.

”Ok, let’s go.” Morgan said as he lifted to box. Dave held the door open for everyone to file out. They all couldn’t help but notice how Hotch’s movements were lethargic and it looked like it hurt to move. His eyes were half open and his hair an even bigger mess than before.

”When we get to the car I’ll help you with your hair.” JJ smiled, despite her trying to look cheerful you could see the hints of sadness written on her face. All Hotch did was nod, most likely focusing on trying to not keel over. The team- no- the family stayed close together. Almost like a pack, protecting their ill alpha from any harm. Prentiss suddenly moved herself next to him and put her arm underneath his. Trying to support his weight and said with a smile on her face:

”You’re not alone Hotch. Rely on us a bit.” He didn’t seem to know how to react. A million emotions crossed his face but in the end he resigned to a nod. Prentiss kept a bright smile on her face, not letting him notice she was worried. Her heart ached, it was hard to see someone you loved dearly hurting. The family made it to the car in peace and boarded. While in the car, JJ, as promised, started to brush Hotch’s hair to nice curls. Instead of uncontrolled cowlicks. Prentiss somehow had gotten a croissant from God knows where and shared it with Hotch. Dave all but smiled and handed him a water bottle. Reid spouted off random facts that seemed to put everyone to ease. Morgan contradicted Reid and teased Prentiss per usual. Garcia has gotten on call and ranted as well, talking about baking and cooking for them when they got back. JJ also mention a long vacation she had squeezed from Strauss. A vacation they would spend together as a family. Hotch has hints of a smile on his face. This was his family and god forbid they’d let him fall apart.

—————————

Hotch felt a little better by the time they got to the precinct. The team hadn’t pushed him to remember or any more questions about his Father. Emily hadn’t forced him to eat when he didn’t want to anymore. Everyone wasn’t pressuring him. It was nice, a part of him scolded himself for letting the team see him like this. In a hoodie and sweats while obviously ill. They had also seen his scars. Scars even he never looked at himself. Some of the scars he can’t remember how he got and some he knew exactly how he got it. With that thought Hotch couldn’t help but rub his wrists. It was an old habit. He was a bit worried about showing up like this in the precinct but nobody seemed to say a thing. Probably because his team was glaring at anyone who looked and surrounded him like a pack of wolves. It made him feel... odd? No, it made him feel... safe? Was that the word? Well, let’s just say he felt warm and content. For the first time he didn’t feel like he was going to get hurt or that he had to hide.

They gathered into the room they were working in. JJ has told August he probably shouldn’t be here for what they were about to watch but he insisted. He was a rather brave boy and Hotch couldn’t help but think how much he looked like Hotch had when he was younger. Hotch didn’t remember much about his childhood but his mama had shown him pictures of him. To be honest, they weren’t his favorite. He stood, his arms crossed. Secretly pinching himself to keep himself from shivering or falling asleep. The thought of his childhood made his head ache again. He was starting to get used to the sharp pains in his head which probably wasn’t a good thing. Emily asked if he wanted to sit but he declined. She probably worried about him the most... other than Dave... ok maybe everyone worried about him a lot. What for, he didn’t know. His eyes drew to the screen when Morgan put in the first disk on the pile. The video was grainy and dark but you could still make out a tall man and a child tied to the bed. He pinched himself hard. The stars on the ceiling provided a bit of lighting. He pinched himself even harder. You could hear the boy sobbing and the man shushing him.

_”Don’t cry Baby boy. You know I don’t like crying.”_

Pinch.

_”My sweet little Aaron.”_

Pinch.

_”I missed you so much.”_

Pinch.

_Slap_

Pinch.

_”I said to stop crying”_

Pinch.

_”How about I sing to you?”_

Pinch.

_”I know you love my singing.”_

Pinch.

_  
”Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird._

_And if that mockingbird won’t sing,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring._

_And if that diamond ring turns brass,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass._

_And if that looking glass gets broke,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a billy goat._

_And if that billy goat won’t pull,_

_Mama’s going to buy you a horse and cart._

_And if that horse and cart fall down,_

_You’ll still be the sweetest baby in town.”_

Hotch felt himself shatter and then his whole world went dark.


	6. Crashing

A crash broke everyone’s concentration on the screen. The team whipped around to see Hotch on the floor. Blood was pooling underneath his head. His face pale and slicked with sweat.

”Hotch!!!” Derek ran towards him and immediately tried to stop the bleeding from the back of his head. His hand pressed firmly on the wound. “Damn it Hotch... why didn’t you say anything?” Dave kneeled next to Hotch and gripped his hand. JJ whipped out her phone and was already talking to a 911 operator. Emily moves next to Derek while Reid stayed next to August. His face pale from seeing his boss, his father figure on the floor surrounded by blood. August didn’t know what to do, all he could do was watch. Thankfully, Reid was responsive enough to shut off the video.

”Ok, they’ll be here soon.” JJ let out a harsh breath. Tears pooling in her eyes. Slowly, drop by drop began to slip down her face. She kneeled down with them. And together they watched over their fallen alpha.

”Fuck-“ Emily cursed while her own tears started to fall. The paramedics didn’t waste anytime getting there. It all happened in a flash, the team didn’t know how to process it. They were falling apart. They watched as the medics lifted Hotch up and rolled him to the ambulance. Dave got in the car with him and the rest of the team silently ran to the cars. It was getting late, the sun was just setting. The team drove in silence, only taking one car considering it could fit all of them. JJ phoned Garcia and they all started to crack at Garcia’s sobbing.

”I’ll- I’ll be there soon.”

”Garcia...” JJ started

”No, I’m coming to see Hotch.” Garcia said stubbornly.

”Ok, we’ll meet you there...” and then the call hung up. It was all a blur for them. The sounds were muffled and the team was barely processing what was happening. Grief was a terrible thing. So was the shock. No amount of training or experience could prepare any of them what was happening. The hospital came into view sparking some life into everyone’s eyes. The wasted no time trying to find Dave. Which wasn’t hard, they found him sitting in the waiting room. 

“Rossi, what did they say?” He held a tired look on his face.

”I don’t know, they just got him into surgery. He- he cracked his head...” Dave looked a little lost.

”He- he was brought to the hospital rather quickly so he should have a good survival rate...” Reid began to ramble, it was the only way he could keep himself from screaming a crying. He couldn’t lose another father. God please don’t take away another father.

”Spence.” JJ said gently, calling him back to reality. “He’s going to be ok.” She tried to smile but it was barely there.

”Ok... ok...” Reid said quietly, his voice breaking. Tears slipped down his face. But he made no sound, all he did was stare at JJ. JJ pulled him into a hug and the two stayed like that for a bit. Emily sunk into a chair next to Dave. She was still in a state of shock. Tears still spilling but her face was blank and her eyes empty. It was as if she shut off all her emotions but the only thing she couldn’t stop was her tears. Derek sat down and put his face into his hands. He made a strangled noise, desperately wanting to punch something or curl up into a ball and disappear. Emily robotically ribbed small circles on his back. As if to say it was okay to cry. He let out each strangled sob. Derek wasn’t really one to cry but this hit him harder than anything ever would. Hotch was a brother to him. They both grew up painfully and while Hotch never said anything the hints were there. How Hotch never showed emotion and he was fine to get beat. He even downed himself at times.

”I.. should call his mother. She lives in Richmond...” Dave said but he looked worlds away. Quietly, he left to make a phone call.

It felt like years had passed. The team waited and waited. Despite being told to go home by the nurse and for them to eat something. Nobody moved, and when Garcia arrived with uncontrollable sobs the team moved together. Sitting near each other either hugging or in some way of touching. Reid would sometimes spout off facts at random and each time JJ would have to call him back to reality. Derek and Garcia were holding each other. Derek’s eyes red and puffy, he had an occasional sniffle every now and then. Garcia still sobbed but she was a little quieter now. Emily still hadn’t gotten back to reality. In a way, she turned into Hotch. Devoid of emotion but when everything finally hit her she started to sob loudly. Dave enveloped her in a hug. He would never admit it but he say Emily and Hotch as his children. They were all so close.

”You know... when I first met him he was this angry ball of energy. It was a little entertaining at first.... until he got himself hurt several times.” Dave laughed 

“He.. was like the son I never had....”

”God, when I first met him he was imposing. And so intense... I never got to see him smile or laugh but I swear when he wakes up I’m going to get him to do so for sure! I- I love him so much.” Emily tearfully confessed, “I love him so much it hurts.”

”When I first met the guy I spent weeks trying to get any emotion out of the guy. I respected him but sometimes it was like talking to a robot...” Derek laughed tiredly, “Finally after seven weeks the guy just got so angry he almost hit me.” The group laughed a little at that.

”When I met Bossman it was in a interrogation. I snarked at him, and he was like a typical FBI agent. I swear it was just like the tv shows! But I grew to love him.” Garcia held a nostalgic smile.

”Hotch was so closed off when I met him. But slowly over the years I’m starting to understand him... he’s actually rather adorable.” The group chuckled.

”Hotch... is like a father to me... a REAL father and I don’t want him to leave me too.” Reid added quietly. The team stayed quiet after that. Then a frantic woman ran in. She was tall, her hair dark and curly, dark intense eyes, and porcelain skin. You could see a few greys littered in her hair but she was as beautiful as a doll. She wore a white button up and black slacks.

”Rebecca!” Dave stood up, she looked over to him. Her eyes filled with tears. She ran towards the group.

”Dave! Where is my son? Is he okay???” She cried. The closer the group looked the more they started to see how much she looked like Hotch. Reid noted a thin scar across her cheek.

”He’s still in surgery. He hit his head pretty hard..” Rebecca let out a sob.

”Oh that stupid boy!! He never knew when to ask for help!” Suddenly, a Doctor showed up behind her. He looked nervous.

”Um.. are you guys here for Agent Hotchner?”

”Yes, we are. Is he alright.”

”Well, he suffered an extensive head injury. The surgery went well but...”

”But what?” The doctors face was full of sympathy. The group stood up.

”What is it doc!!!?” Derek yelled, Garcia grabbed his arm.

  
”I’m sorry...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter I’ll try to post sooner


	7. Dry Your Tears Child

Emily sat silently, her gaze held on Hotch’s motionless form. His face pale and unmoving, he looked fake. As if someone had replaced her dear friend with a doll. Her eye lids heavy and yet she kept them up. It had only been a couple days since they learned about Hotch’s comatose state. She had refused to leave since then. Miss Hotchner would come in every now and then and sing or tell him stories. Emily just say and watched. Garcia wouldn’t stop crying every time she came in. Morgan tried to get Emily to go back to the hotel and freshen up. Reid tried to convince her too. But she couldn’t move. Seeing someone she loved like this crushed her. The world was blurry and muffled the only thing she could focus on was Hotch and Miss Hotchners voice.

”Emily...” Emily snapped out of her stupor and looked up to see JJ. Her eyes puffy and tear tracks seemed to be permanent among the team. She hadn’t seen Rossi much, he was working nonstop on the case.

”Hotch wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.” She hated when people said stuff like that. It’s been awhile since Emily shutdown like this. It pained her to speak. JJ rested her hand on her shoulder but Emily turned her gaze back to Hotch. Then finally, she spoke.

”Do you know what it’s like to love someone.”

”Of course... Emily wha-“

”To love someone truly and purely to the point to where it hurts? Because right now I’m aching so terribly I might break.” JJ held here gaze on Emily but Emily did not return it.

”I wish I didn’t know what it felt like.”

”You don’t mean that...”

”Maybe I don’t.... but being near him relieves it a bit.” Silence held for a couple minutes.

”I... didn’t know you felt that way Emily.” Emily let out a hollow laugh. 

“Yeah... neither does he and I’m fine with that. I just want him to live....” Emily felt tears dripping down her face. Her heart ached at the sight of the one she loved being in pain. Even in a coma his face didn’t look peaceful. He still held his face taut with worry and fear. As if he was never allowed to relax. Emily would give her life just so he could live his in peace. Hell, she would sell her soul for his happiness. She didn’t know how she came to love him... maybe it was his brilliance or his confidence. Maybe it was his beauty or the way he looked at the world. She didn’t know, all she knew was when she first laid eyes on him she fell. She fell so hard, before she thought she knew what love was but he changed her whole belief on that. While most were 6FT deep in love she was at the core of the Earth and was still falling. All she had to do was catch a glimpse of him or hear his voice and she’d fall in love all over again. Loving him felt so... right. She couldn’t explain it but she knew she would never love someone the same.   
  


She hadn’t noticed that JJ left but she did notice the plate of food. Emily slowly nibbles on it hoping to ease her hunger pangs.

”Hello.” Emily looked up to see Miss Hotchner, she sat straighter despite looking like a mess.

”You really care about my son don’t you?” Emily almost cried at how much Miss Hotchner looked like Hotch.

”Yeah, I love him a lot.” She didn’t mean for that last part to slip out. Miss Hotchner sat down a tired smile on his face.

”I was hoping my son would finally be free but it seems I was mistaken.” She let out a tired sigh “I never knew he’d end up in a coma again...”

”What was he like? As a child?” Suddenly Miss Hotchners eyes flashed with a warmth and nostalgia.

”Oh he was such a sweet child... a heart of gold. Even at a young age he cared more for others than himself but he was shy. Easily flustered, he rarely talked and when he did it was quiet... in fact he went mute when he was seven.”

”Mute?”

”Yes... it makes more sense after what Dave told me... He didn’t start talking again till he was 16. It was slow and halted but I knew he did it because he met a girl... Haley Brooks.” She had a small smile on her face.

”Lovely girl, she brought out the best in Aaron. It was such a shame..” her smile turned downward “they were so in love but when they were 17 she got into a bad car accident and.. didn’t make it.” Emily felt her heart ache again. Stronger this time, Hotch never got a break.

”Oh, if only I knew what Daniel was doing to him.” She started to sob “I never wanted what happened to me to happen to him.” Emily was at a lose for words. So instead she tried:

”Miss Hotchner, even though all that happened to Hotch he grew up to be a great man. He’s kind and compassionate. He helps others and truly cares. Even though he knows how to help others he doesn’t know how to help himself. But.. I think we can help him with that.” Emily offered a small smile.

”Thank you... you really do love him.. don’t you?” 

”Without a doubt.” Even though she was sobbing on the inside Emily smiled brightly. Because she knew Hotch wouldn’t want her to cry. Even though seeing him like this hurt her. She whispered:

”Without a doubt...”

——————————————

_Hotch drifted aimlessly, he felt safe and in a warm little bubble. He could hear voices but he didn’t pay them any mind. He was tired of people and outside world. All they did was hurt him and he was tired of feeling pain. Even if pain was all he knew. Hotch just closed his eyes and rested. He still jerked every once and a while not used to total relaxation. A small voice kept telling him he had to get up and do a case but he payed it no mind. He was tired of cases. He was tired of everything. With that in mind he just stayed asleep. He wasn’t needed in the outside world. It’s not like he was useful anyways. All he did was boss people around.. people who kinda argued with him sometimes. They probably didn’t like him all too much. Though, he did feel safe with them. Too many thoughts... Hotch perked you a little at the sound of singing. It sounded like his Mama. His Mama’s singing was nicer than Fathers... why did he know that? Father was never around so why would he know that?  
_ _Hotch just shrugged the thoughts away but his curiosity just kept bringing them back._

_”No.” he tried to say but he curiosity insisted. “No, wanna sleep.” The statement sounded rather childlike but that’s what Hotch was.. a child. On the inside anyways outside he had to be an adult. But on the inside was a child who grew up to fast. After what Father did to him he was broken permanently. Wait, what did Father do to him? Father was hardly around. A memory flashed causing Hotch to whimper. No more memories!! Hotch’s head ached and he felt cold despite the sweat dripping down his face. Father... father... stars... stars will keep him safe... right? This was simply too much. Hotch shouldn’t care right? It was just some stupid dream they weren’t memories. The voice protested, telling him he was remembering and that he needed to get up. Hotch told it to screw off and leave him alone. Sadly the small voice became louder. And louder. And louder. Which forced Hotch to bury himself deeper within his mind. He didn’t want to hear that voice anymore. Why couldn’t people leave him alone?_

_”Hey Hotch, don’t know if you can hear me... but I really miss you. We miss you. So please wake up soon.” Emily? Hotch couldn’t help but smile in delight. His face ached a bit at the action but he held it. Emily is that you?_

_”And Uh, before a regret this I just wanna tell you... I love you. I love you and your stupid but insanely gorgeous face. Maybe I’m just letting it all out and the only way I could even say that is if you can’t hear me. I don’t care if you don’t feel the same... ok maybe I do but I only wish for you to be happy.. and if it doesn’t involve me then I’m ok with that... just wake up please.” Hotch didn’t know how he felt about Emily... he always noticed her. The way she walked, the confidence in her voice, Her intense dark eyes, how she commanded respect unknowingly, her kind nature, and most of all her voice. He loved her voice... it soothed him. It felt like a warm blanket on a cozy evening. It made him feel safe... but did he love her? What was love?? He couldn’t remember how that felt. He’s been numb for so long he forgot how anything felt. Why would she love him? He’s ugly and disgusting and imperfect. Father said so! Wait, why would he know that? Hotch whimpered in confusion. Emotions were overrated and he hasn’t felt them in a long time. Why would she love something so broken? He had nothing to offer.... softly, Hotch began to cry. His sobs subdued but his heart ached. He didn’t understand._

_He wasn’t important so why would he deserve love?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapters as of late. I’m kinda sick (not corona) so I haven’t been able to do much.


	8. Authors note

I’m so sorry I’ve tried to keep writing but this story is really affecting my mental health. In order for me to write I need to become the character and I’ve found myself in a hole of depression. Also, I’m starting to lose interest in Criminal Minds. Again I’m so sorry I really did try to keep writing.


End file.
